Crossfire: Part 2

Nothing makes me happier than seeing our favourite comedic ‘pundit’ succeed.

What I am referring to (in both the title and content of this post) is this:

Betsy McCaughey Resigns

Jon Stewart, thank you for all that you have done for the ones out there who happen to be sane. Love you long time.

Me.

You know things are way too good to be true when…

Today I got an email from a  ‘McDonald’s New Zealand’ claiming that they’re opening a bunch of new restaurants or something, and that I would get $50 for participating in this customer survey. Fifty bucks for filling out a few questions? Who wouldn’t go for that?

Anyway, the seven questions they wanted me to answer turned out to be a tad bit too easy. ‘How would you rate our service?’  ‘What’s your favourite burger on the menu?’ Come on, I was expecting scales of 1-10 atleast!

I’m not gonna lie. I was duped right until I hit this page where they asked for my credit card details, and it became clear that I’m not going to be earning fifty bucks in a minute and a half. (ps. you might have to right click/ctrl-click on an Apple + ‘view image’ to see the entire thing, because I’m not mentally advanced enough to format things properly):

Man, if I didn’t have a ridiculously at-least-slightly-above-average-eye-for-detail…

Also, a month’s worth of full McDonald’s meals every day for a month? Have you not seen Super Size Me?

Colbert in Iraq: A “Review” in Pictures

Warning: Minor fanpersonism to follow.

I am clearly posting this between a week to about four days too late, but whatever. You can get TV on the Internet now, so everything’s still relevant. And also I bet they haven’t screened Monday’s episode yet (but I don’t work very well with timezones, so who knows). Anyway, an entire week of Colbert entertaining the troops was as expected, awesome. Loved that nobody laughed at Sarah Palin’s “joke” (note the dick fingers surrounding that word). Also loved that they wrote a Christoper Eccleston-esque ‘big ears’ joke into Obama.

Must-see segments (if you didn’t see like, all of them):

1. Basic Army Training: Parts 1 and 2.

2. Formidable Opponent:  Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

3. Tom Hanks being funny. And it has a puppy, so it has to be loved.

4. The introduction. They called him “fatty”, lulzy.

IMAGE SPAM TIME!

Tony Robbins, eat your heart out.

Y’know that emo rocker thing where they go down on one knee and get all…emotional? Yeah, that.

HE IS AMERICA. (and possibly Iraq)

This image confused me on a few levels:

1. General Odierno turned into a woman?

2. He’s beginning to look like Travis Barker.

Day 2: I was finding it hard to take him seriously with that new hair (or lack of it), but then I realized that he probably just wanted to look like the Blue Falcon.

Obama is…Hitler!

Looney Tunes-inspired signs: The only place where ComicSans is an acceptable font.

ps. All pictures stolen from here

Okay, now that that’s over and done with. Have some quick orders:

1. Watch The Hangover. It’s hilarious, and it’s #1 in the box-office charts for a good reason. Also, Ed Helms is on The Daily Show (finally!) this Monday (in the US)! I can’t wait to see if he would act like Ed Helms from The Daily Show, or Ed Helms, the guy who played Ed Helms from The Daily Show.

2. More serious stuff. Follow @Change_for_Iran if you’re on Twitter. It’s informative and exciting and emotionally insane. Speaking of that and The Daily Show, I’m kindof hoping that Jason Jones isn’t squished to bits right now.

This Week In Things We Don’t Entirely Care About

1. More childhood memories to be ruined.

There were rumours of a Drop Dead Fred remake at some point, we know they’re apparently planning a third Ghostbusters, and we all know what they did to Psycho (this is pretty old, but whatever). And well, we know how badly the Spiderman movie turned out, and don’t even get me started on that Ang Lee-version of Hulk. You remember thinking “whatever happened to the guy who was in cool Kevin Smith movies” when you saw that freakish version of The Chipmunks. You (or at least I did) fell asleep halfway through Transformers, only to wake up to realizing what a nancyboy they made Optimus Prime. And since when did Jon and Liz ever have chemistry in the Garfield cartoons?

Well, you get my drift (I hope). So here’s the dealio. They’re planning a movie version of Heathcliff.

So apparently being cynical and sarcastic is hip and totally works for today’s audiences. What? But what about your vital demographic, y’know, those suckers who paid to watch Up and Wall-E?

2. Colbert gets a haircut, this should be headline news.

You’d rather focus on Octomoms and Angelina’s babies instead? Fiiine.

Anyway, Colbert’s nice and not dead and is in Iraq all week, huzzah! And some lucky high school principal got to hang with him. I will miss that song for that Persian Gulf segment though.

3. Disney (finally) gets politically correct (and don’t give me that rubbish about how Mickey Mouse was black, colourwise).

Obama gets elected, gets a gay dog, Miley Cyrus wants the Obama kiddies in an episode (is that right? I’m no longer updated on this tale), and now Disney finally comes up with a black princess? And apparently the prince isn’t black? Oh, haha, controversy, etc etc blah blah. What surprises me most is that this isn’t one of those three-dimensional, CGI-infested Pixar productions. When was the last time we’ve seen one of those, huh?

4. RIP guy who played Bill in Kill Bill.

Really, it’s sad. But come on, he’s pretty old, right? Killed by ninjas you say? Bruce Lee-related speculations? Who’s next? Vin Diesel? Lord, I hope it’s Vin Diesel.

5. There’s a pirate whisperer??

Holy crap, I want to be a pirate whisperer (except I’d be one for the ‘arrr’ variety)! In the light of all that though, shouldn’t they have gotten a Gitmo whisperer instead of all that waterboarding?

6. We can now treat Brits like we used to treat Americans!

Good job on the BNP in Parliament, suckers. Maybe white sheets and pointy hats can be the new Sarah Palin Halloween costume for this year. Huzzah!

7. MTV Movie Awards.

Okay, I only have an attention span and tolerance level high enough to bother with the first half hour, so here’s the lowdown.

Kindof Cool:  Will Ferrell and Andy Samberg singing about manly men walking away from explosions was pretty cool, as was Forest Whitaker/LeAnne Rimes/Chris Isak singing classier versions of songs like Jizz in my Pants (how very Richard Cheese of them). Yeah yeah, I’ll mention Bruno and Eminem, but come on, really? People believed that? Also, did they have to leave it all on mute while I watch it? I thought you MTV guys were all hardcore edgy.

Oh, for the love of Robin: I got sick of guessing winners. Twilight, Twilight, blah blah blah, the freakish corpses from Twilight, Twilight, oh, and Twilight. I’d be the first person to run around with a sandwichboard sign that says ‘The Dark Knight was totally overrated’ but Twilight kickin’ its ass? Also, I used to think that the only awards those Disney kids could ever get nominated for was one of those Kid’s Choice things. I have clearly underestimated today’s MTV generation.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I also decided to sit through that skinny blonde midget from Heroes (Hayden Panjasusdsaytytyteeereeee) attempting to sound all hippity hoppity. Yay for not having dignity!

8. Keyboard cat gets pwned.

Apparently this cat’s better, classier, and has a famous fellow being his composer, bitch. Oh, I need a lolcat to go with this.

9. More pwnage…of childhood memories


This is relatively old, but it hasn’t happened yet, so for the ill-informed, Archie is apparently proposing to Veronica. I bet that it’s all a whole load of publicity BS, really. I bet it ends with a love triangle all over again because frankly, they can’t end it right there, I bet Archie comics still makes money. I know, we keep seeing old strips repeated in some new comics, but eh, it’s been around long enough for some generations to miss it. Plus, the likelihood of an Archie character being a regular adult would be as much as seeing a grown-up Peanuts character (this only happened in MAD as far as I know). Come on, Archie isn’t Friends. Archie can’t go to college. It’ll ruin it’s uber-clean and safe image.

Anyway, when stuff like this happens, I like to make possible predictions. Here’s what I’ve settled on so far:

1. Archie marries Veronica. Betty sucks it up and proclaims her love for Moose. Midge reveals that she has been cheating on Moose with Pop Tate.
2. Archie proposes to Veronica, Mr. Lodge is bound to say no. Hilarious manipulative things happen. Jughead obviously gets on Archie’s side. Betty would naturally side on Mr Lodge on this, and Reggie would help Betty plan something devious because we all know he loves Veronica. The wedding does happen eventually, in the dark. Archie ends up marrying Betty by mistake. Oh no!
3. Archie proposes to Veronica. April fools!
4. Archie proposes to Veronica. Needs to marry a girl to cover up the fact that he is in fact in a relationship with Dilton, and nobody can know that. Dear lord, no.
5. Archie proposes to Veronica. Somebody dies. They discover a bomb in the Riverdale gym. Chuck gets nominated for school president but everyone accuses him for being the terrorist responsible for it. Veronica reveals that she is a cyborg from the future sent to destroy all humans. Betty reveals that she is a warrior princess. The two battle it out, sexy catfight style. Archie gets too stressed out, only to find comfort in the arms of Reggie. The rest of this story will be released in the special, new R-rated fanfic version of Archie comics.
6. We realize that after six freakin’ issues it’s all Weatherbee’s dream. Pervert.

10. Bacon Vodka. Yes, I did say bacon. And vodka.

Hey, if it’s a big hit in Seattle, and they brought us Nirvana, it should be good, right? Just thought I’d finish with  something happy.

Failspell, guys. Failspell.

Front page of tech section. ON THE FREAKIN’ INTERNETS:

Oh, New Zealand. You may be a pretty darn safe place to live, but let’s just say I can’t wait to see what your silly lets-let-kids-use-txtspeakz-in-exams rule is going to bring in the future.

Ps. This is not the first time. It’s just the first time I can be bothered being all vocal and public about it.